Playing the Flute With Your Butt sounds like Heaven to Me. A Review of 100 Things to See After You Die

 100 Places to See After You Die is a conundrum for me. One-quarter percentage of me thinks, "Holy moley, this is kind of disrespectful toward death." The other 3/4 of me laughed so hard I was snort laughing. When I read about Hieronymus Bosch's painting, The Last Judgement, I chortled so hard I started coughing and then fell over. I was lucky I didn't join the "choir invisible myself." I mean, how can a person not guffaw at a naked guy playing the flute with his anus, using sheet music printed on the buttocks of a man who has been squashed by a giant lute? Well, okay, maybe it wouldn't be funny if it was me playing the flute with my farts but it's a hoot in the painting. Or a toot, depending on how you want to look at it.

The author, Ken Jennings, covers every kind of afterlife from Medieval literature to modern TV shows. One thing that stands out is that the public is way more interested in Hell than in Heaven. He points out that good stories have conflict. Heaven has very little conflict and Hell is nothing but conflict, unless you like playing the flute with your butt.

Only one chapter isn't all that fun and that is the final one, the one about Dungeons and Dragons' afterlife. As the final chapter it should be a grande finale, not a sputter out. 

Jennnings' book proves that learning can be fun! I picked up a lot about art, literature, films, and bad TV shows. My Mother the Car, anyone?

Thanks to Netgalley and Scribner for allowing me to read and review 100 Places to See After You Die. I have to go now. My flute lessons are waiting.

Fun Cover, Too. The guy with the flute is in that crowd. Hey, there could be a series of books for kids. Where's the Guy with the Butt Flute?

If a guy with six wives asks you to marry him, you might want to rethink that subscription to Modern Brides magazine. The Seventh Wife

 Wow, I really felt sorry for the dried-out shell of the golem wife. If you want to be creeped out, wow again, Lord Craven is the worst husband with multiple wives imaginable. The golem wife--she haunts my dreams.

The six wives are in Craven's mansion, and they never figure out how to leave. Then fifteen-year-old Rhea shows up and in the course of seven days, well, I can't tell you because that would be a spoiler. It all works out because, as you know, fifteen-year-olds are the smartest people in the world. I know I was when I was fifteen. I would have shown that Craven a thing or two. And probably ended up as a golem wife.

Hey, listen, if you're fifteen and a lord with six wives wants to marry you, don't do it. DON'T DO IT! Would you want to end up living in a clock? Or as a golem? DON'T DO IT!

      T. Kingfisher is one of my favorite authors. Maybe my favorite. Second favorite author after myself.

I Don't Know. I Might Buy This House. A Review of How to Sell a Haunted House.

 It's an indisputable fact that puppets are evil, except maybe Elmo. But it's always the one you least suspect, isn't it?

It took a while for the story to get rolling. At one point there is actually a giant ball of rolling puppets, but I get ahead of myself. The first half of the book talks about the sister and brother and their dysfunctional childhoods. And dysfunctional adulthoods. The problem for me was that it felt like a big info dump. You know, the old cliche about showing, not telling. I almost DNF which to me sounds like some sort of illicit drug. But I digress.

About 50% of the way through, the story really takes off. I'm glad I didn't overdose on DNF. The spooky, murderous clown puppet (clowns are evil, too) starts it spooky murderous agenda and a big ol' ball of fluffy puppets comes barreling onto the scene. You may think puppets are harmless (that's a lie...all puppets are evil except maybe Elmo) but the family cannot turn their backs on them unless they want their eyes deflated. If you thought puppets were dangerous, wait until you see the clown puppet with a needle. Ouch does not begin to describe the ickiness.

I want to thank me for my generosity. I paid for this book because I like big books and I cannot lie.

It's More Like Icky Well of Lost Children. A Review of Graveyard of Lost Children

 If you happen to come across an icky, moldy old well, stay away. STAY AWAY.! I've read two books within the past year where creepy, slimy woman/monster/thingies live in ancient wells and want to grab any humans dumb enough to stick their heads in moldy old wells.

The woman/monster/thingy in Graveyard of Lost Children is particularly fond of babies...but not in a good way. Though she's willing to snag anybody's little bundle of joy, she has a fixation on one particular family line. And the generations of women in that family have a hard time figuring out if they're insane or if a woman/monster/thingy is really plaguing them. 

Maybe I'm too harsh when I say dumb enough to stick their heads in slim-ridden wells.  After all, I've been known to wander into places I don't belong. And the poor young woman in Graveyard of Lost Children is both called to the well by Creepzilla (not her real name) but the shiver-inducing spirit stalks her no matter where she goes. That's one good way to get herself committed to a mental hospital, which in fact it does.

Lots of creepiness. Lots of getting lost in the woods. Lots of misplacing babies in the woods. And a well. A dark, slippery, smelly well. Beware if you come across one.  

Thanks to Netgalley and Sourcebooks for allowing me to read and review Graveyard of Lost Children.

c
Oooh, look at that hand on her shoulder. It creeped out of an old well so you know it will be good and slimy.

The Villains Really Needed the Shellacking They Got. A Review of The Scorned

 The Scorned is an old-fashioned hard-boiled detective novel but with modern problems. like human trafficking. At first, I was annoyed because most of the women are described as wearing form-fitting dresses. Then I thought, yeah well, that's how the hard-boiled detective novels were. Fortunately, the major women's characters have depth. They weren't just mannequins in tight clothes.

An interesting thing the author does is to make the despicable male characters likeable. That's not easy when your characters enjoy beating people up. One way is that the two men are rescuing women and child victims of trafficking and other abuses. So, the bad guys are really rotten and they're kind of deserving the iron rebar smacking them upside the head. The good guys also have soft spots for their love interests and for children.   Well yeah, the good guys do cause a lot of blood to splatter but for a good cause, if blood splattering ever has a good cause. I mean, the villains really needed a can of whoop-ass opened on them.

There is lots of graphic, grim violence. There is child abuse, but it is mostly seen off-screen, as they'd say in the movies. I'd go so far as to say some readers may be triggered.

If you like buddy movies, a hard-boiled tinge, some romance, and lots of whoop-ass, this novel will hit the spot, sometimes with a big 'ol' pipe across the nose. Thanks to Netgalley and Oceanview Publishing for allowing me to read and review an eARC of The Scorned.

Strong female characters, body snatching, and lots of stabbings and slashings. A review of The Dead Will Rise

 Though Simon Westow, the thief taker, is the protagonist, there are lots of strong, competent and intelligent women in The Dead Will Rise. Jane, Simon's fellow detective, his wife Rosie, Mrs. Shields who teaches Jane to read, and all the many female shopkeepers in the town of Leeds make this an adventure with lots of ladies. Lots of stabbings, too. Lots and lots of them. I expected the novel to start splashing blood all over me.

This story of a thief taker (a detective who locates stolen objects) chasing down body snatchers who have stolen a little girl's corpse is exciting enough that I read late into the night. Then I had disturbing, stabby dreams, but that's okay or I wouldn't read  stabby blood-splashing books.

I had one tiny little problem solely because I'm obsessive about history, even little, tiny minor things. The Dead Will Rise takes place in 1824. The author, Chris Nickson, had one of the villains don a "biilycock" on his head. I didn't know what that was, so I looked it up. A billycock is a bowler hat created in 1849 by Thomas and William Bowler. Okay, maybe the bad guy wore one twenty-five years before they were created. The rest of the book is so good that I'll overlook the haberdashery mistake.

The author also adds some of the history of "resurrection men" and the lax laws that made body snatching a misdemeanor. I always appreciate history added on to the end to tell me what kind of society the characters were living in.

Thank you to Netgalley and Severn Books for allowing me to read and review The Dead Will Rise.

Spellcheck keeps telling me stabby isn't a word, but stabby describes The Dead Will Rise really well.

Ghosts Ghosts Noshing on Me, Other Ghosts Just Want to Be Free. A Review of The Twisted Dead

 Poor Kiera. Her blood turned to ice so many times that I thought she'd die of hypothermia. But then, she felt a raging inferno inside her. Remember those old commercials for Corningware where one half of the dish was imbedded in ice while the other half was over a flame? That's how I felt about poor Kiera. 

First, they go to the home of the town's hermit. He's plagued by ghosts who think he's an "all you can eat buffet." Distracted by more ghosts, Kiera and her two friends for most of the book, leaving poor Dane as the first, second, and third course, plus dessert for some hungry hungry spirits. 

There's some good writing. When the friends creep through the crawl space of a motel, I felt claustrophobic.  That's a good sign when the writer makes the reader feel like they're in the novel, though I don't like feeling like ghosts are noshing on me because that would be icky.

Lots of fun, lots of adventure, and lots and lots of ghosts and stabby parts. Thanks to Netgalley and Poison Pen for allowing me to read and review The Twisted Dead and for making me feel claustrophobic and dusty.

                                              Nice Cover and Keira's two friends are cool.