Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs--More 'Where Do We Get Ideas?'

Here it is, the Third Day of Christmas and nothing says holiday spirit like wondering if your cat will eat your eyeballs.

Caitlin Doughty tackles some weird and icky stuff, but she always does it in a charming and humorous way. My writing tip for the day is: There are ideas everywhere. Just twist your mind around some of the strangeness out there in the world.

What might you find interesting in this book that you could turn into a mystery, horror story, or romance? Okay, maybe not romance unless you want the love interest to be frozen and pulverized. 

Yes! That is NASA's plan for astronauts who die in space. Freeze them outside and then have a robotic arm smash them into space dust.

There are all kinds of things in Doughty's book that can creep its way into stories of the bizarre. Do you know what airlines do to passengers who die in the air? They get to sit next to you, still seat-belted in, until the plane lands. If the cadaver has an aisle seat, you might have a real problem getting to the bathroom.

You can rest assured that your pet probably won't eat your eyeballs, not when there are softer parts available.

The best writers are the best readers. Read a lot because books are loaded with ideas that you can bend to your own ends.

Things That Irritate Me in Writing--Magic for Liars

I said I'd offer writing tips. Here's my pet peeve when it comes to other people's writing. Lately, every other book I've read has characters biting their lips to show fear, anxiety, anger, happiness, arousal, and every other emotion you can think of. At some point, in every book, a character will bite their lip until it bleeds. In every damn book, the same thing happens!

This is nothing but lazy writing. A writer sees it in half of the books, so the lazy writer thinks, "Hey, I'll show every emotion the same way. Plus, the obligatory biting the lip until it bleeds."

Besides being a lazy way to show emotion, it's also unrealistic. Very few people want to hurt themselves. Few people show the thought process by biting themselves until they bleed. How often do you see people in real life biting their lips? Let me say it again--it's a lazy way to write.

That is why I disliked Magic for Liars. It's one of the reasons I disliked it. Every character in the book, female, male, adult, teenager, managed to bite their own lips instead of showing emotion. Every one of them!

It's used so often, in this book and others, that it's become dull. Why bother to write a book if you don't plan on using your imagination?

My other dislike of this book (among others) was that 99% of the characters have magical abilities, some have a lot of power, and they use it to make their eyes prettier, their hair shiny, and to harass other high school kids. All the problems in the world and these students and teachers use their magic to stack papers and make their hair glossy. Geez, people.

Oh, and the protagonist stays drunk or hungover for the entire book. I know people can have a problem with alcohol and still manage to work. There are novels where the protagonists overcome their problems. But, Liars' detective whines about being drunk and miserable and stays drunk and miserable. Just like biting lips, her constant misery got dull.

My writing tip is this. If you are going to write, don't copy what you see in other novels. Just because everybody bites their lips, smirks, and rolls their eyes in 50% of the books doesn't mean your characters have to do the same thing. For the love of all things worth reading, be original.

Batty about Books

Books and bats--a horrifically good combination. Artwork by Emily Bievins.

Have yourself a terrifying Christmas

Actually, these are Christmas customs from many countries guaranteed to traumatize parents and children alike. If you don't find some horror to write about in this article, then there is no hope of finding horror. One of these Christmas baddies guts bad children and stuffs them with straw. And we thought giving kids coal was harsh.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/18/the-seven-most-terrifying-christmas-traditions-around-the-world

Crystal Lake Author Spotlight Interview With Me!

Okay, so I'm a complete klutz when it comes to computers. I like to blame my problems on gremlins, but that can get a person only so far. I've pushed ctrl+c all morning and I still can't get my interview to show up. Gremlins again!

Anyway, Joe Mynhardt, the many-times winner of the Bram Stoker award for horror and the founder of Crystal Lake Publishing, interviewed me for their December 2019 Crystal Lake newsletter. Find out all the low-down on me by subscribing to their free newsletter at:

crystallakepub.com

Meanwhile, I'll fight the gremlins to see if I can get my interview from one place to another.

Did you think to look here for an agent? Hmm?

Several writers I know are querying agents right now, going to agency websites to see who might be a good fit. A good place to find the kinds of books agents have taken on and sold is on the Publishers Weekly various newsletters.

For instance, if you're looking for an agent for YA or children's books, Publishers Weekly Children's Bookshelf newsletter always has a list of deals made that week. It will have a description of the book, the age group, the publisher who bought it, the author and the agent and agency that sold it.
So, you'll see that Susie Kittynose sold a book to Kittypaw Press and was represented by KitKat Jones of the BigHunkofKittyLove Agency.

There you have what you need to know. The agent and agency and what kind of book they just sold. Publishers Weekly shows the week's deals in all their newsletters, not just children's bookshelf.

The newsletters are all free. For inspiration, look here:
publishersweekly.com

        KitKat Jones of the BigHunkofKittyLove Literary Agency

Frighten Your Family. Write a Memoir.

Interested in writing a memoir? Here's a fine and sensitive article on memoir writing from The Guardian. If you're short on time, scroll down to the ten tips for a good memoir. If you have the time (and if you're writing a book, you have to have time, right?) read the whole thing. Memoirs are hot now, and this is a thoughtful look at how to write one.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/dec/14/the-naked-truth-how-to-write-a-memoir

Something Anne Lamott said, "If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

Vibrating Mattress Brings Back Memories

This morning a huge helicopter hovered over my house, vibrating everything including the mattress I was on. It felt just like the 25 cents "Magic Fingers" vibrating mattresses cheap hotels used to have. Ten minutes of teeth-shattering vibrations for a quarter. This mornings vibrating mattress brought back a lot of memories. Hey, cheap motels weren't my first choice!

Where Do Story Ideas Come From?

The key, I think, to avoiding writer's block is to stay interested in everything, not just a small segment of what you think you may like. I bought a book thinking it was going to be entirely different than it is. But, what a delightful surprise. It's not horror but it's given me an armload of ideas for horror.

The book is a nonfiction work called Mudlark: In Search of London's Past Along the River Thames by Lara Maiklem. I bought it thinking it was a history of the Thames. It is, instead, her history of mudlarking on the Thames. Mudlarks, in the past, were poor people, mainly women and children, who walked and dug and felt with their feet for anything at low tide along the Thames that they might sell. Back in that day, mainly the Victorian era, the water was wretched with sewage, so you can imagine...

Today, mudlarks are people like Maiklem, those who love history and old things and spend their time following the tide to find things dating all the way back to the bronze age.

Although it is Maiklem's story, she weaves history throughout. Therein lies the ideas for horror. There were so many things done for two thousand years along the Thames--from the hanging of pirates to the beheadings of Henry the VIII's wives.  Here's what really caught my interest: Toshers. If I don't do something with them, I'll kick myself.

Toshers went beyond feeling around in the Thames. They broke into the sewer grates along the river and fished around inside the sewers for lost coins. Yuck. They wore a uniform that let everybody know they were toshers. A long velveteen coat, canvas pants and aprons, and they wore a lantern strapped to their shoulders. There were miles of sewers and sometimes toshers got lost and died under London. They also died of infections caused by rat bites. Supernaturally, they believed there was a Queen Rat who appeared as a beautiful woman. If they didn't have sex with her, she brought death and bad luck to them.

I would think grubbing through sewage would bring death and bad luck, but I guess toshers had to have something to tell their wives when they came home with a little rouge on their velveteen coats.

Folks, there is a horror story in there somewhere. Read and watch a variety of things. There are ideas everywhere. I've been thinking of what horrible thing I could do to a tosher, as if their lives weren't already bad enough.

For more on toshers, the worst job in the world, here is a Smithsonian article.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/quite-likely-the-worst-job-ever-319843/

And here is the book, Mudlark.

Horror for Christmas 99 cents!

It's Friday the 13th and who doesn't need a little horror in their life? And I do mean a little horror as this is an anthology of flash fiction, all under 1000 words. You could read this on a bus ride or in the bathtub before the water gets cold. Christmas is coming and this would be a cheap inexpensive gift. Best of all, I'm in it, and second best of all is that it's a lovely lavender shade. Oh, third best of all, there are a lot of other great stories.  You need this!

I'm In This! Only 99 Cents! Buy It!

On Amazon Dec. 13th. Only 99 cents introductory offer. A whole lot o' horror for these cold winter nights. Got a friend or relative who loves horror? 99 cents is an inexpensive Christmas gift. It's the thought that counts. (I don't know what it is you're thinking if you give horror for Christmas, but hey, give 'em what they like.)




"Skin Deep" now on Flame Tree newsletter

 What happens to those pieces after they're cut off?

Read my new horror flash fiction on Flame Tree Press's Fiction Without Frontiers newsletter for      science fiction, horror, thriller, and mystery fans and writers.

In a hungry world, what do they do with those pieces that are removed during plastic surgery? Enjoy your lunch.

Skin Deep in the December 2019 issue of Flame   Tree Press newsletter
Sign up for Flame Tree's Fiction Without Borders to read my chilling story.

https://www.flametreepress.com/reader-exclusives/

Cover Reveal Shallow Waters Vol. 4

I'M IN THIS!

So excited to be in this edition of Shallow Waters from Crystal Lake Publishing. I'm sharing the anthology with some authors who are well-known in the horror world. I'm not only excited, I'm proud!

Shallow Waters Vol. 4 will be on Amazon on Dec. 13. Friday the 13th!

And, the cover is in my favorite lavender color, sort of.

My Flash Fiction Appearing at Flame Tree

Yesterday I got news from the good people at Flame Tree Press, Fiction Without Borders, that my flash fiction story, Skin Deep, won the monthly horror contest and will appear in their newsletter and on their website. Stayed tuned and I'll let you know when it's online.

Flame Tree is a good opportunity for science fiction and horror writers. Their imprint, Fiction Without Frontiers, will read un-agented submissions. They also have contests that pay professional rates if you win. Give them a try if you have some writing that needs a home.

https://www.flametreepress.com/

Flame Tree Press Horror and Science Fiction Writers' Friend!

Looking for a publisher that reads science fiction and horror novels when you don't have an agent? Flame Tree press Fiction Without Frontiers will still read your manuscript! How's that for a throwback we could always use?  And, they have  monthly flash fiction contests for horror and science fiction. It's your chance to be discovered. All you have to do is subscribe to their free Fiction Without Frontiers newsletter. Every month they'll announce their subjects and the deadline. Then you write your best flash fiction and submit. They are friendly, helpful folks, too. Find them here:

https://www.flametreepress.com/

The Twisted Ones--Best characters ever!

Best Dog Ever!

The Twisted Ones has the best characters for a horror book, or any book for that matter. I appreciate novels with strong women characters and this is chock full of them.  The protagonist is hilarious, her sidekick is a kick-ass, pistol packing old lady, the dead grandmother is the granny from hell, there's a great Goth barista, and a weird half-human who wants out! The best of all is the good, but dumb, coonhound, Bongo.

One of my favorite things is the cool, older lady, Roxy. Lots of time older women are left out of novels altogether or they are evil. Roxy is funny, smart, and a wild dresser.

If you love horror that is also humorous, check out the Twisted Ones.

Shallow Waters Vol. 4 drops Friday the 13th.

 Shallow Waters Vol 4 will come out on December 13, 2019, Yes, that's Friday the 13th. My story, Thelma Takes the Devil, will be included. Find it on Amazon.  From those masters of horror, Crystal Lake Press.

Shallow Waters Vol. 1

Since a story I wrote, Thelma Takes the Devil, will be published in Shallow Water Vol. 4, I thought I should catch up with reading the first three volumes of flash fiction. Here we find Vol. 1.  

The stories are interesting, occasionally chill inducing, but every once in awhile I thought, why don't they just call the police? Horror, to me, ought to be something you can't do anything about. If just a guy is killing people, and everybody knows it, and the house is full of people in various conditions of rot (and why can't the whole town smell a house full of corpses? There's not that many scented candles in the world to hide a house full of dead people.) why not call the cops on this guy? Heavens!

Other than that, an amusing, if horrific, selection of flash fiction. Quick to read to get your horror on.

From Crystal Lake publishing. Coming December 13, Volume 4 with my story in it!

I Promised Cat Pictures

Horror story or not? Cat looks pretty happy to me, but what is the tragic end to this story?

Dracul Not Dracula! Get This Straight.

                         Do you know how hard it is to get an image of the novel, Dracul?  No matter how many times I searched for Dracul images, only Dracula pictures showed up. I imagine the author, Dracre Stoker, great grand nephew of Bram Stoker, has to wrestle with this a lot, explaining that Dracul and Dracula are not one and the same.

And they're not. The author explains that his book is more in line with what Bram Stoker wanted printed, that the elder Stoker had more than 100 pages cut by his publisher. Of course, it would be hard to know what Bram Stoker did or didn't want, being that he's not around to tell us. (Or is he?) If we take the younger Stoker's word, then we would believe Bram was warning us that vampires exist. Do we want to believe this? I, for one, can handle horror better if I don't think vampires will drill into my neck or zombies eat my brains. Maybe the fear of believing it is true is what appeals to some readers. To each their own.

Poor Bram Stoker. In a recent novel I read, Stoker's Wilde, when little Bram was dying at age seven, it was the vampire and actor, Henry Irving who bit him and saved his life. Later, he gave him a job at the Lyceum Theatre, proving to be a friend for life. In Dracul, it's little Bram's nanny, who bites him and saves his life. Goodness, vampires were lining up to save the child. I guess they really wanted their story told, although it seems authors, including me, have gone hog wild with vampires.

Dracul is an adventurous read. A good time was had by all, except when they were dying, getting ripped apart, or having their blood sucked out. But hey, isn't that what a good vampire book is all about?                                                                    

Johannes Cabal the Necromancer.

This is one of my favorite humor horror novels. A bit twisted, a bit unexpected. I just read it again after several years. I'd forgotten that it's also sad because Johannes Cabal is so lonely. But, how can he not be lonely? He's despicable. But, a genius. His brother, Horst, is smart, charming, strong, handsome and a good dresser. Why do all the good ones have to be vampires. Hell, have you ever tried dating a vampire? It's a draining experience.

The author, Jonathon L. Howard, says he got the idea from Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes, which we all know and love. Where does an evil carnival come from? Howard found the spot where the devil parks his carnival.

Hey producers, need an idea for a movie or streaming show? How about Johannes Cabal and his good-looking (though dead) brother?

Cover Reveal for Arterial Bloom

The cover for the horror anthology coming out in February 2020. My short story, Kudzu Stories will be included. Published by Crystal Lake Publishing. Exciting!

Arterial Bloom. For lots of screams, look for it. February 2020.

How to Make Readers Like Creepy Characters

I said I'd give an occasional writing tip and here goes. Above is one of my all time favorite funny horror novels, Johannes Cabal the Necromancer, by Jonathon L. Howard. Johannes Cabal is one of the most awful protagonists you'll ever find, but he's so freaking likable in his awfulness. He's not kind, he's not good, he's not particularly honest, and has been run out of towns by crowds carrying pitchforks. In The Necromancer he has to convince 100 people to sell their souls to the devil so Cabal can get his own soul back. He has no scruples. He'll take anybody's soul with only his brother, Horst, keeping him  anything close to moral. "No children!"

Why do readers like this creep? Why do they like Sherlock Holmes? He isn't friendly, kind, loving, or nice, either. There are two ways to make an unlikable protagonist appeal to readers. (Okay, I think there is a third which is to make him or her funny, but that wouldn't apply to Holmes because he's not a barrel of laughs. Cabal is hilarious, though.)

The two ways writers make unpalatable characters appealing is A) Make them brilliant at what they do. If he/she isn't good, make them more outstanding than anyone else in their field. This applies to both Cabal and Holmes.  B) Make someone we like, fond of the protagonist. Holmes isn't likable, but Dr.Watson is. We like Dr. Watson and whatever he likes, we like.  Therefore, we like Holmes.

The same holds true for Johannes Cabal. He's funny and brilliant, but nasty. He's even nasty to his brother, Horst.  For some reason, Horst still has fraternal feelings toward Johannes even though Johannes did about the worst thing he could do to his brother. We don't just like Horst, we (at least in my case) adore Horst. He's smart, he's strong, he's moral, he's kind, he's handsome, and an outstanding dresser even though he's dead. Despite all this, he's still willing to help his rotten brother. If Horst likes Johannes, there must be something likable about him.

To sum it up, if you have an icky protagonist, make him or her brilliant and make an approachable character like him or her.

No Sasquatch Romance Here

Well, I'm disappointed.  I thought Sasquatch, Love, and Other Imaginary Things would be some kind of romance with Bigfoot. No, I'm not weird or anything! People are all kissy face with vampires, zombies, ghosts, and werewolves. Why not Sasquatch? It would have been more interesting than the romance between these blah teenagers. Honestly, how many times can characters smirk and bite their lips? Too many YA novels have their protagonists smirking and biting their lips all through the book. Nobody really does this! Have some imagination, people.

People Look At Me and Say This

Yes, yes you do.

Pretty Little Dead Girls

Lately I've binge read Mercedes Yardley, just lately finishing Pretty Little Dead Girls. Something I appreciate in horror is humor. I'm not much into guts spewing, but if you spew your guts because you're laughing, that's all right by me.

Pretty Little Dead Girls' subtitle is A Novel of Murder and Whimsey. And it is. In the last novel of Ms. Yardley's that I read, Apocalypse Montessa and Nuclear Lu, it was hard to like any of the characters. It was wonderfully written, but even though the protagonists were damaged in childhood, it's hard to get on the side of serial killers.

The opposite happens in Pretty Little Dead Girls. It's so easy to make good, kind characters mushy, but Ms. Yardley has a real talent for making characters likeable without becoming treacle. Even questionable characters are changed for the better by Bryony, the young lady destined to be murdered. She's sweet, but she's not a Pollyanna.

The desert Southwest is a character, too, screaming and creeping to Bryony's father's door, desiring to get its deserty hands on his daughter.

The serial killer is rotten and that's how it should be. Of course, the killings aren't funny, but there are lots of fun bits, a real relief when there is horror all around.

The Memory Police

Some of us read horror because we like to be afraid. Some of us (not mentioning who) read horror because something is slightly "off." I like it because, frankly, my real life is kind of boring.

A book I liked got a lot of press for being literary, but seemed to be ignored by the dark fiction reviewers. Maybe I just missed it, but I thought this would appeal to horror readers. It's The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa. What could be more scary than being hauled off by "memory police" just for being normal?

On an island, things disappear. Not like they're lost. People wake up one morning, realize there are no more ribbons, and in mass they bring all ribbons to public places to be burned. When they wake up to realize all roses have disappeared, the entire town brings their roses and throws them in the river. One day it's birds. Another day they wake up to find books have disappeared so they bring all books to be burned and finally burn down the library.

To make things creepier, if a person hides something, for sentimental reasons or because they like it, if the memory police find out (and they do because they search houses) the owner is arrested and "disappeared."

Are things really disappearing? Or has the entire population gone mad? Or is this a hint of what a police state is like?

Don't take the chance of having books disappear! Read it now!

Excellent News

My flash fiction story, Thelma Takes the Devil, won first prize in Crystal Lake Publishing Halloween-themed contest. I'm really extra happy because this story was voted on and chosen by the subscribers of Crystal Lake's Patreon page. It's good to know somebody besides my mother likes my writing. It's kind of hard to know what Mama thinks since she's dead, but I'm sure she'd like my stories. I think. She might just think they're weird.

Yes, now that I think about it, she probably would think my writing was weird.

There's an interview with me coming up soon. I'll let you know when that appears.

Here's another cat photo because I promised. The cat is the one in the foreground. Her name is Sophie.

Disgruntled Cat

Disgruntled Cat:  She says she writes, but I don't see a thing that says Linda J. Marshall.

Answer: That's because it's still coming. Short horror story, Kudzu Stories, in Arterial Bloom in February and Thelma Takes the Devil in Shallow Waters, date to be announced. Both from Crystal Lake Publishing, a many-time Stoker award winner for best in horror and great people to work with.

What Killed Bram Stoker?

Failed to mention that in Stoker's Wilde, the storyline keeps pointing out that Stoker is a real straight arrow, always wanting to do the proper, middle-class thing, like vampire hunting. (A brief affair, in the book, with the actress Ellen Terry--very brief because he wasn't that sort of guy.)  I didn't know much about the real Stoker so I looked him up...in a séance.  No, not really. I googled him up like everybody else. He died of syphilis, folks. This straight arrow died of a sexually transmitted disease. Of course, a lot of people died of it before penicillin, but still... And, he was in the theater business and theater people have a reputation, whether deserved or not. But, syphilis. A sad way to die. I wish he'd been bitten by a vampire instead and was still around writing books. Hey, that's a good idea for a novel. Or a short story. Or a blog post.

Stoker's Wilde

Okay, so I said I would do some reviews so here we go. I just finished Stoker's Wilde by Melissa Prusi and Steven Hopstaken, published by Flame Tree Press. I'm a huge fan of Oscar Wilde, and Oh my God, his The Importance of Being Ernest is so funny I snorted with laughter while reading it. I have to read alone because snorting...  Being a admirer of Wilde, I was anxious to read Stoker's Wilde. Bram Stoker and Oscar Wilde, though they hate each other, become vampire hunters because, if you read a lot of Victorian horror, you realize everybody from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt were vampire hunters, so why not authors too? Sometimes I think I'm the only one left who is not a vampire hunter. Of course, I'm not a Victorian either, only in my heart.

Prusi and Hopstaken wrote a book that made me keep turning the pages. Their Wilde was not quite as witty as the real Wilde, but who could top him? He was one-of-a-kind. Of course, even in real life Wilde couldn't always be witty. That would be exhausting.

The writers did include a short play written by the fictitious Wilde. It wasn't nearly as good as his real plays. They saved themselves by having him write something along the lines of "This is drivel," at the end of the play. And it was.

Even if their Oscar wasn't making my eyes water with laughter, it was a rollicking read if you're into Victorian vampire hunters. And, who isn't?

Flame Tree is coming out soon with a sequel where Bram and Oscar hunt vampires in America, called Stoker's Wilde West. Looking forward to it because, we all know, there are some real bloodsuckers out West. Yikes! I live in the West. Oh no!

Arterial Bloom Horror Anthology

If you like horror short stories, here's something to look forward to: Arterial Bloom. It will be coming out in late February 2020 from Crystal Lake Publishing, a many-times Stoker prize winner for best horror.  Yours truly has a story included. So happy and proud of myself! See the progress on Arterial Bloom's Facebook page.


https://www.facebook.com/ArterialBloom/?_rdc=1&_rdr

My Flash Fiction Story Thelma Takes the Devil is up on Crystal                                        Lake's Patreon Page  

If you're a subscriber to Crystal Lake Publishing Co.'s Patreon Page, take a look at my flash fiction story about Thelma making a deal with the devil. It's a fun one!

 https://www.patreon.com/posts/31099792

Here's a call for submissions that looks like a lot of fun. It's Podcastle, where your story is online and read on a podcast with approx. 10,000 listeners. They take fantasy, dark fantasy (that's horror to you and me) high fantasy, magic realism, speculative, and anything excellent that fits somewhere in these suggestions.  Holy cow! They've got the fantasy world covered. And they pay! 8 cents a word. How much fun would it be to hear your story floating through the ether?  Here's the lowdown:

http://podcastle.org/guidelines/

https://mercedesmyardley.com/2019/10/arterial-bloom-would-like-to-welcome-linda-j-marshall/

This is better. You can actually click on this one.  Even if you aren't reading about me (but please do) Mercedes is a talented writer and editor, Horror Writers Association Stoker prize winner for best horror novel, Little Red Dead. After you read about yours truly, take a look at the rest of her site.

                                    Welcome Humorous Horror Readers and Writers

     Hey readers and writers of horror. I love to read and write horror that has subtle humor or laugh-out-loud guffaws. What I hope to do here is give writing tips, suggest submission opportunities, maybe offer a few reviews and post a few short stories. Cat pictures, too.
     
     My latest contribution to the genre will appear in Crystal Lake Publishing's short story anthology Arterial Bloom, coming out in (I believe) February 2020. Here's a link to the pages of the editor of Arterial Bloom, Stoker prize winner for best horror novel and all around nice person (all horror writers are nice people--deep inside) Mercedes Yardley. This page happens to mention ME!

https://mercedesmyardley.com/2019/10/arterial-bloom-would-like-to-welcome-linda-j-marshall/